Why Can't I?
by BadLuckVixen13
Summary: Seto Kaiba has a few problems. Kichi is a woman who solves problems for a living. How will they get a long? What happens when Kichi's past comes back to haunt them? Why does Seto Kaiba have so many crack pipes hidden in his office? Lots of OCs, AU-ish. Crack-ish. Will turn intense. SetoXOC


**This is my first attempt at crack fiction... mostly owed to my dear co-author...(Thanks for teaching me crack humor). Hope you like it. And don't worry, you will see it go dark fairly quickly in places...Don't be disappointed if it's not all doom and gloom within the first few chapters.**

**There are a lot of things spliced together but it's not really a Crossover... it's closer to a AU that has some of the same basic things with some fantastic elements (fantastic as in fantasy as well as awesome guys). **

**There are a lot of OCs. Just deal with it. I don't like most of the characters of Yu-Gi-Oh goddamn friendship speeches.**

* * *

She'd had it. It was just too much, how was she supposed to be a professional in this kind of atmoshpere where her colleagues acted like little children and their boss was no better? She was surprised, as she rode the elevator up with her brother-in-law after an exhausting day at work, that she even had the energy to contemplate such a silly thing. He leaned against the wall as they waited for the elevator to come down with small tremors going through him and eyes that stared intensely with concentration. She was even more surprised that he had the energy to stare that way.

"Hikaru-ah...why do we go back everyday?" Rei asked as they slumped down in the elevator and pressed the button to Kichi's floor.

He chuckled a little as the trembling was getting worse and he was reaching his hand into his bag. She didn't say anything as he opened the bottle and sucked three gel cap pills into his mouth as they zoomed up. He laid back with a huff and breathed through his lips until the tremors stopped. She guessed that she wasn't the only one that had an especially trying day.

It was a Friday night, which meant everyone in the family went up to Kichi's for dinner, desert, and alcohol, but that was another story. The very expensive penthouse/apartment building they lived in was owned and managed by Kichi Rasei. Aside from Rei and her family, Hikaru and his boyfriend,the rest of the tenants were fairly well to do families that payed Kichi a modest amount for such well kept condos. She wondered how the woman managed to do it.

"We go back...because we'd be bored out of our minds if we didn't work..."

Rei chuckled a little and shrugged. He was probably right. Unlike Kichi, who seemed to work about a thousand jobs and yet have no real job, they had an innate need to work, to go back and forth, to do something with themselves that didn't involve whatever Kichi did for a living to have her afford all the luxury she allowed herself (not very much) and the luxury and peace of mind she gave others. The elevator went _ding!_ as they reached the top floor and Kichi let them in with a gracious smile and it was them the idea started brewing in Rei's head. The tiny little idea that was quickly germinating into a fairy tale worth beanstalk.

"Hikaru... what was the last stable job Kichi worked?" She asked as Hikaru poured himself a glass of wine and Kichi told them dinner was almost done while changing the music playing as she cooked.

He took a long drink and breathed out as the tremors were stuffed down and took a seat.

"Uhm... she was a V.P./ Personal assistant for Paradox, INC."

Paradox,INC. was the revamp of Industrial Illusions after Pegasus died. In the after math, the company was in chaos and they'd brought in a corporate chaos specialist to help get everything in order. She remembered Kichi during those days, making phone calls with a militant, commander voice that almost was nothing like her...Almost. The interesting thing about Kichi (at least what most people say about her when they talk to her after the initial shock of seeing her) is that she comes off as very mild-mannered, appeasing... very sweet... That is until things need to happen and they don't happen fast enough and she brings out her other demeanor "Get things done Kichi" (because she rarely curses). It's all military commands in a sultry alto and coolness.

The doorbell rang.

"Hey, let them in! Dinner's done!" Kichi called while she and Hikaru brought dishes out.

Rei got up to open the door of the elevator for Rai and Kaitou who carried Reina with him. Rei stared up at the familiar jawline and the eyes that looked at her as if she were the world, stunned into silence as he smiled at her and traced a gentle path down the curve of her face with his free hand. Their baby girl Reina as cradled with his other arm.

"Mama!" She cheered happily, interrupting the moment, and Rei grinned, lifting the baby from her husband's arms and kissing him lovingly.

She'd expected a lot of things on Friday nights, but her husband was almost never one of them.

"Surprise, I'm home," he groaned, kissing her back. "And I need a drink."

She laughed, "I can imagine so. You too, Rai?"

He nodded, coming into the room with a eyes searching for Hikaru through the house. Hikaru looked up with a platter of steaks and smiled at the man as he came closer, removing his holster before Hikaru could even get the words out of his mouth.

"Come here," he breathed reaching for him.

"Not around the food boys," Kichi chimed pushing the pair towards another room. "Not around the baby either."

Hikaru flushed as Rai laughed and pulled him along to corner him in the corridor between the living room and the stairs leading to the second floor. It started with a kiss and Hikaru shivered as he felt Rai's fangs extend and nip at his lips. Being so close, Rai could smell the chemicals that coated the pills he'd taken and the alcohol on his breath.

"Today was bad, huh?"

Hikaru nodded as he tried to stop the tremors again, looking up at Rai imploringly. The taller man wrapped his arms around him and lapped at the skin on his neck causing him to groan and flush.

"Ra-Rai...I have to work tomorrow remember?"

"I know," he told him.

His eyes flashed and Hikaru's head fell back as Rai leaned down to sink his fangs into Hikaru's neck and drink gently. Hikaru sighed in his arms and almost fell to the ground if Rai hadn't wrapped his arms around him to keep him steady. He pulled back with a reluctant groan and licked the small wounds until they closed. Hikaru looked up at him, flushed and a little light headed, but not feeling as he usually did after Rai had a "drink." The tremors were gone and he felt warm and fuzzy but it wasn't as extreme as it usually was.

"Was it enough?" He asked softly.

"Gotta save room for dinner don't I? You have to work tomorrow after all."

Hikaru nodded as Rai helped him back into the main room and set him in a chair with his glass of wine and fixed him a plate. Reina was set up in her high chair around Kichi's fairly large table as she brought the last dish out.

"Don't tell me you've drained my poor brother," she said teasingly.

Rai smirked, "Not nearly as much as I will tomorrow."

Hikaru flushed and swatted him over the shoulder, "Rai!"

"What?" Rai asked. "It's true."

Hikaru glared at him but huffed, taking another sip of his wine before Rai stole a kiss from him and bade him to eat before he got anymore warm and fuzzy and didn't think to eat. Kichi finally sat down and started eating as a few stories from the day were told. Rai's case was finally over and he'd come straight home after the raid, still smelling of gunpowder and blood. He'd taken a shower when he arrived because of how much the smell bothered Hikaru, Hikaru could still smell it and feel the tenseness in his shoulders.

"Was it bad?" Hikaru ventured, gripping his lover's hand.

Rai shook his head, "No one died. A few injured, but no one died."

Hikaru sighed a little, but smiled at him anyway. Rai couldn't help but be thankful that his love understood why he continued to maintain such a dangerous job at the police station. Kaitou had finally captured the bastard he'd been chasing for months, hence his unexpected return home. Rei looked all awashed with light as her baby girl played peak-a-boo with her father and they all ate together and talked like they do every Friday night. But the joy of Friday was sort lived after the dishes were cleaned and everyone took some downstairs to their separate condos. For the first time in months, Kaitou put his baby girl to sleep, showered and slept with wife and woke up in the warm arms of the person he loved. For the first time in months, Rei trapped Kaitou beneath her and drank from him as a much as she pleased in between rough bouts of sex. It was when her thirst had finally been sated and she was lying across his chest, his fingers coursing through her hair gently and she was relaxed that he brought it up.

"Has something happened?" Kaitou asked.

"I'm afraid I'm going to murder someone at Kaiba Corp..."

He chuckled as she shifted a little to lay across his chest and look up at him.

"Is it that bad?"

She sighed, "It's chaotic...and it only seems to be getting worse..."

"You're going to ask Kichi to take a look aren't you?"

Rei bit her lip, "Maybe..."

Kaitou snorted and kissed her temples gently.

"Good luck with that," Kaitou told her. "I don't think Kichi's up to working in a corporate setting again."

"Why? What happened last time?"

He sighed. She hadn't really said anything really happened, so much as replied in non-verbal ways that something very terrible had happened. She came home one day, without a word, taking the elevator up to her floors and hadn't bee seen in days. It wasn't until Friday when they all rode up for dinner that he'd noticed it. He was sure that whatever had happened, Hikaru knew about it (they were twins after all) and that it was something that would have destroyed a lot of people's reputations. But he didn't know.

"I don't know, Rei...I have no idea."

Rei sighed. She would have to try anyway...or at least go find another chaos specialist and she doubted that there were many of those (a title that Kichi made up specifically for herself) in the world, let alone in Domino City. Kaitou told her to not think about it and get some sleep before the next day. She was asleep in his arms before he'd even finished speaking.

Kichi woke up to a sunny morning, getting out of bed and yawning before hopping into the shower. She turned on the music that played throughout both floors of her top floor penthouse and stretched in front of the bullet proof glass that gave her sight to the high rise of Domino city, straight to the top floor of Kaiba Corp.

It was around eleven o'clock when her doorbell rang. She buzzed whoever it was in and took a seat at her computer station. Hikaru, Rei, Rai, and Kaitou came in together whispering between themselves as they crossed the space to where her small office space was.

"Is everything alright?" Kichi asked seeing them all.

"We have a proposal for you Kichi," Rei said holding her head up high.

Hikaru grimaced a little as Kichi turned towards them in her chair, offered them seats and regarded them with her business eyes. The song "I Hate Love Stories" was inharmoniously pulsing in the background. Rai pulled Hikaru into his lap, as was customary before they headed to work for the day and held him close. Hikaru had woken up trembling, which was uncharacteristic, but not insanely so. He'd woken Rai up with his muffled whimpering and curling away from him. They hadn't been physically separated since Rai pulled him back into his arms and made him take a few tablets, drink a Bailey's milkshake while swaddled in a slighty damp electric blanket. His fever had just gone down when Rei had knocked on their door to enlist their help.

_Raat din aate jaate. Hoti hai sau mukalatein_

Kichi didn't comment on the flushed appearance of her brother as Rai stroked his hair and rubbed his back gently. Instead, she turned her attention to the couples in expectation. This was probably going to screw up her entire relax and do paperwork plan for the morning... whatever it was that they wanted from her it was apparently a serious issue.

"What is it?" Kichi asked.

"We want you to apply for a job."

Her eyes widened as the room seemed a little tense and waiting for her reply. She tilted her head in confusion. She hadn't been officially working for a very long time and she was quite comfortable with it though she did get bored sometimes, but she had other things to do, overseas accounts to manage, diplomat things to take care of...she didn't really have time to really be bored.

"Might I ask...why?"

"Because...you're awesome?" Rei ventured.

Kaitou grinned in amusement as Kichi raised an eyebrow.

"I'm glad to hear you think I'm awesome, but I don't under...stand."

Rei placed the form on her desk before her and she stared at the big glaring symbol emblazoned on the top of the page: KC.

"Rei...what is this?" She asked staring intensely at the paper.

"The application form to supplement your resume."

At this point of silence Kichi blinked and licked her lips, leaning forward and looking at the four of them.

"Please correct me if I'm wrong, but...this is the Kaiba Corp. emblem is it not?"

"Yes," Hikaru said.

"The same Kaiba Corp. that you two work for?"

Rei nodded.

"The same Kaiba Corp. that you two complain about everyday? The one where people put jam in the printers? Blow up the copy machines and break unbreakable objects? The one that's put you in a state of perpetual, borderline relapse? The one that's put you in this state? That one?"

"Yes," Hikaru squirmed as she picked up the piece of paper and turned it towards them.

Her amber eyes glowed with a demonic gleam that sent chills down their spines, but they stood firm in the conviction. They knew probably better than she did that all they had to really do was say that it would be better for Hikaru or intrigue her into taking the application and actually applying. Kichi knew that of course, but that didn't mean she had to admit that it was that easy for them to get her to do most things... It's not as if they asked her to do ridiculous things like become a stripper or something.

"And you want me to apply to work there?"

"Yes?"

"As what?"

"As...the head secretary."

Rei didn't mention that in Kaiba corp "head secretary" really mean "Vice President/ Personal assistant/ Department head of all department heads/ P.R. manager/ security manager/ and anything else Kaiba could get you to do for him." Instead, she nodded and grinned a little wider hoping that it was working just a little bit.

Kichi blinked and then her lips lifted into a smile, her shoulder began to shake and then the laughter came until she was tossed back in her chair, stomach spasming in laughter. They waited until she was wiping her tears away to hope for answer and it finally came.

"Oh, that's a good one...you guys are hilarious. You had me going for a minute there."

"We're serious," Hikaru said turning towards him against Rai's arms around his waist.

Kichi chuckled, "Yeah and so am I. That's hilarious."

"Please Onee-san...please?" Hikaru pleaded. "Please take the job!"

"No," Kichi replied flat out.

Rei pouted and still she shook her head. Well, if pleading didn't work, maybe bribing would.

"Take the job! Please! Please take the job! If you take the job,... Rai and Hikaru will perform the sexual act of your choice in front of you-"

"WHAT?!" Hikaru yelled.

They all knew of Kichi's fondness of yaoi but that didn't mean that he had to be the butt of the joke everytime. LIterally, figuratively, whatever. Sex was a private thing, not something his sister should have on tape to play at will especially if it was him having sex with his boyfriend. Of course she did it to tease him, he highly doubted she actually had any tapes that weren't because of Rai in her possession. Rai thought about the benefits of possibly screwing his boyfriend before they headed off to work and deemed it a really good idea actually. His fever would break, he'd be sated, Hikaru would stop trembling at least until a few hours before closing time... Everyone would win.

"Shut the hell up, Hikaru! You will!"

She reached for his shirt and tugged while Rai started undressing. He had no problem with it and he never understood why Hikaru always had a problem with it. They would both benefit from it even if it wasn't a permanent fix for the Kaiba corp stress situation.

"I'm not doing it!"

"You're such a prude! Take off the damn shirt! We got's bills to pay! Take it off!"

"No! It's embarrassing-"

"FINISH THAT SENTENCE AND I'LL THROTTLE YOU! TAKE IT OFF!"

"Uhm guys-" Rai started tapping on Rei's shoulder.

"Take it off I said!"

"No!"

"Guys-" Kaitou inerjected.

"WHAT?!" Rei screamed.

Rai and her husband, Kaitou, pointed at the vacated chair Kichi usually worked at.

"She's already gone."

"Goddamnit! Do you see what you've done now! Put your damn clothes on! Kichi, please come back!" She screamed throwing Hikaru's ripped shirt at him and chasing after the tell-tale silent footsteps down the hallway towards the kitchen.

"Kichi! Kichi! Please! They're hiring! Please! Please!"

Kichi stopped and as Kaitou, Rai, and Hikaru caught up with Rei, turned around and removed her headphones.

"I already said no."

"Oh fuck it!" Rei screamed and grabbed her by the jacket shaking her. "I'm going to be on the streets because of you! Take the damn job!"

She blinked a little confused, "You're still on about this?"

Rei growled at the stubborn woman as Kaitou came up behind them.

"Rei, sweetie calm down... I'm sure if you explain this calmly."

"Alright then, "she said and pointed at him. "YOU TAKE THE JOB!"

"What?! I don't have a death wish-I mean... uh Kichi take the job."

Rei roared and grabbed him by the shirt, "That's it! I'm bringing out the big guns! If you don't convince Kichi to take this damn job then... then... NO MORE HUGS FOR YOU!"

He teared up and Hikaru looked confused. "That doesn't seem so bad..."

"You're one to talk," Kichi said making Hikaru pout and turn back into the circle of Rai's arms.

It wasn't his fault.

"You don't know Kaitou, "Rai said as the tear works started and Kaitou was at Kichi's feet, gripping her legs and pleading with her.

"TAKE THE JOB~! I need's my fix!" He sobbed into her sweatpants. "Please~! I need's my fix!"

"Why me?!" Kichi asked, trying to shake him off.

"Because," Rei started. "Because you're Kichi."

She blinked and laughed, "That's a terrible reason!"

"But Kichi!"

"NO!"

"Look here woman!" She grabbed Kichi by the collar of her robe and glared.

"I'm facing hard times here! I've got a baby to feed and a life to lead! TAKE THE DAMN JOB!"

Kichi raised an eyebrow and pulled herself free. "No."

After an hour of trying, Rei deflated, Kaitou sobbed for loss of hug time, Hikaru was confused because he's a prude, and Rai was still wondering how to get Hikaru out of his clothes. Two hours of begging, and they were still at a standstill. Kichi wasn't budging. She had however oddly changed into business attire and began to comb her hair throughout the conversation before sitting back down at her computer.

Rei sighed, "I might as well face it that I'm going to be homeless. My baby will have to reuse diapers and my husband...well whatever."

"What are you talking about?" Kichi asked from her desk, a cup of peppermint tea in her hand. "You all live in my building and I don't ask you to pay rent or anything!"

"We-Well...-"

"To add to this, Kaitou is a Bounty Hunter, a damn good one at that who gets paid on commission on top of a salary! Rai doesn't even work at Kaiba Corp., and anything you could possibly need is already paid for. I still don't understand why you all work anyway."

"We-well... It's the principle of the thing!" Rei declared.

"Yeah!" Hikaru joined, "I don't want to depend on my older sister and my boyfriend..."

Even if he did biologically depend on them, but of course no one addressed the Gigantic Godzilla in the room.

Kichi huffed, "Should I start making you pay rent? Will that make you feel better? You're all relying on me and it doesn't bother me, because let's get real... What the hell am I going to do with all this space? It's an apartment building for Christ's sake!"

She had a point. With the combined wealth that Kichi had amassed over the years, and the twins had inherited which she was responsible for overseeing, they could have all lived there quite comfortably. Kichi's condo-house seemed stocked with an unlimited supply of things and space and it never got any bigger than the size it seemed. It was somewhere in between a bigger version of the Tardis and the Room of Requirement. The building itself was near a skyscraper with tasteful bold letters on the bullet proof glass doors that said "Rasei Condos" and the address. For a place in the middle of Domino city, rent was cheap and the rooms were amazingly well kept. They'd asked the two mysterious twins a million times how they'd managed to keep it all running. Hikaru looked at Kichi and Kichi smiled a knowing smile before saying, quite honestly, "Magic."

"B-But..." Hikaru started... "You're always saying you're bored..."

"So? Give me one good reason why I should work at Kaiba Corp.? You all come home saying how you hate your jobs and how insane the company is...Give me one good reason!"

She said before packing her briefcase with her resume and a few other essentials, applying a little bit of make-up and glossing her lips.

"You can make the work experience so much better for the rest of us!"

"Yeah, remember how your old company was?"

She shuddered at the thought. If there was anything more disturbing than her old company's state of affairs...and the way she left them...

"Now look at it! Come on Kichi! You've seen the stock reports! Tell me that doesn't scream a challenge!"

"Well... I do like a challenge... but no."

"WHY NOT?!" They chorused and she raised an eyebrow.

"Is "I don't feel like it" a valid answer?"

Kaitou sobbed, "My hugs~!"

Rei pet him on the head, "Calm down, Kaitou...Reina will still hug you."

He pouted and looked at Kichi. "Please? You need to work!"

"In case you haven't noticed... no I don't." Kichi said gesturing around the elegantly decorated condo-house.

"Please?"

"You aren't going to let this go until I say yes are you?" She asked.

They shook their heads and she huffed. She was currently, technically unemployed, and could remain so for the rest of her life if she so damn chose to. What she couldn't ignore was the people that lived with her and since she was never going to kick them out...

"Fine, I'll fill out the application."

"We already did it for you! We just need you to sign here and go in for the interview, this after noon actually!"

Kichi blinked, "You...what?"

"Well... you see...we kind of wanted to wait until you agreed but Hikaru said that you wouldn't mind."

"I change my mind."

"NO~!" Rei screamed, grabbing onto her. "Please!"

"I was kidding, "she deadpanned and took the form looking over it before she signed on the dotted line an elegant "Kichi I. Rasei"

"Great! Let's get going! You'll be late for your appointment."

"What time is it?" Kichi asked looking at her watch.

"2:30."

"In twenty minutes?!"

"Hikaru said he had a lot of faith in you and we didn't expect it to take so long to convince you..."

She glared at her brother, "I'll deal with you when I get back."

She turned in her pseudo-business attire, put on black pumps and with heels clicking, she grabbed her keys to head out and everyone looked at Hikaru huddled in Rai's arms.

"Sorry."


End file.
